The day that changed my whole world in an instant. It was a Friday and we were so excited to find out the gender of our newest team mate. Brylee-Rose was our first baby together. My partner Will was living in Pukekohe at the time we were doing long distance and he had flown down especially for this scan. We were 22 weeks pregnant with our girl, my first girl after 2 boys.
For some reason sitting in the waiting room seemed to take forever and I just couldn't sit still, I was pacing. The sonographer called my name and I just looked at my partner Will and said "I don't like her". It was the strangest feeling; I didn't want to go into the room was almost like a vortex was stopping me like my body knew something was wrong.
Will gave me a little push and we went in I got up onto the bed, she put the doppler onto my belly I could see our sweet angel she was face down all curled up. She ran the doppler back and forth several times. Will could see on her face something wasn't right. I was staring at the screen completely unaware anything was wrong at this point.
Then she said the words no parent wants to hear let only imagine that could ever happen this far on.
"I'm so sorry Tara there's no heartbeat....."
"What.... No you're wrong!!! CHECK AGAIN!!!
Even thinking about that moment now makes me want to vomit.
I felt like the room went black and I couldn't breathe. She started taking measurements and looking at stuff while I'm laying there numb feeling like I couldn't breathe.
I cried out, "Just stop please!!!"
I sat up and was in absolute shock. I put my head in my hands and just cried I can't even describe what I was feeling.... hurt, failure.... guilt - like I'd done something wrong.
I could hear my heartbeat in my ears and was like my world went deathly silent... she left the room and I looked at Will completely in shock, I told him I'm so sorry - I just felt so much guilt. I just felt like I wasn't going to survive this.
She came back into the room and I asked. what do we do now?
She said "I'm so sorry Tara, but you will have to deliver your baby."
"No can't they just take her out?" I cried. My whole world collapsed.
That drive home was the longest drive and just silent, so many thoughts running through my head. Having to tell everyone.... what do we say and my poor boys that had already been through so much. I just felt numb like my whole world stopped and I wasn't going to come back from this and you automatically blame yourself.
I don't remember much after that just getting home sitting on the couch staring at the walls, neither of us knew what to do. A few hours later my Mum showing up with my Aunty from Nelson and I asked what she was doing here. I felt guilty she had dropped everything and come all that way. I didn't want anyone there was the strangest feeling. She said she wanted to support me through this.
We had to wait the weekend and go in and be induced for labor. The whole weekend just waiting, and knowing, and dreading what was coming.
The whole process took hours - we had to be at the hospital super early Monday morning but was left waiting and waiting. I don't remember much of that day just Mum saying "Tara you're been so strong", but what choice did I have. I was completely broken inside.
They gave me some medication to induce labor and we were sent home to wait, we had to back on the Wednesday for round 2. That labor was my hardest one yet and most painful being forced and knowing we would have empty arms at the end of it was the worst part.
Brylee-Rose was born on the 16th of October at 5.10 pm weighing a tiny 270 grams lifeless, still, her tiny features perfect in everyday. She stole our hearts instantly.
We got to spend the night with her and we soaked in every moment we could. The nurses took photos for us and hand and footprints. We were also so lucky to have the beautiful Ashleigh from Maddy's Memories come and do castings of her tiny hands and feet.
I remember been so scared to look at her when she was born, I didn't know what to expect or how to feel. The nurses were so kind to us I know some people haven't been as lucky.
The next day leaving the hospital with empty arms just felt so wrong I just wanted her back. Your hopes and dreams for your future just gone like that. I remember the nurse coming in with a tiny little basket to put her in saying to us that it was time.
We could see her deteriorating so fast it was gut wrenching to witness but with the help of the cuddle cot we got to spend the night with her soaking in every moment we could. That is something that will be etched in my memory forever. We dressed her in a tiny angel gown and a wee knitted sack and hat.
Leaving the hospital and leaving her behind was the hardest thing I've ever had to do I did want to leave her, it felt so wrong. I remember crying all the way to the car it was parked miles away. Knowing that's the last memory you have her all tucked up in a wee basket.
The first song that came on the radio was Drax Project "I've Been Catching Feelings Over You." It was just so fitting and that will forever be Brylee's song, that has come on so many random times family outings and anniversaries. It catches your breath and just let's you know she's still very much around us and apart of our family.
We decided to have her cremated and have her in a tiny silver love heart urn at home.
We didn't have a funeral for her but chose to celebrate her by having a picnic in the park with a few close family and friends. We released pink balloons - it was just perfect.
On her 1 year anniversary we went back to the same spot a put a box of bubbles with a wee note saying "Please blow some bubbles and share some smiles in loving memory of our daughter and sister who would have been 1 today. Some only dreams of angels, we held one in our arms. And we watched from a far".
The weeks and months that followed were the hardest and almost seem like a blur now.
Going back to work was so hard, not everybody knew some asked how was our baby what did we have, excitingly waiting for my response. Then the look of pure horror that they had asked. Then some of the comments were so cruel, because it's such a taboo subject people don't know what to say.
"At least you can have another one".
"She wasn't ready".
"Not meant to be".
"At least you weren't full term".
"Everything happens for a reason".
You don't want to hear that, you just want your baby back.
Although you didn't want people talking about it, it was worse when nobody talked about her. Like she was never here, like she didn't exist.
We were determined to have our rainbow 🌈 baby and 3 months later we found out we were pregnant again but there was no joy in this pregnancy at all. I almost disassociated myself from it, as a way to protect myself. Every scan and appointment was the worst like you were just waiting for something to go wrong.
We've since had two healthy baby girls, whom we adore, but nothing will ever replace Brylee-Rose. I miss her every single day.
The kindness that people showed us in the weeks that followed losing Brylee-Rose blew us away and just re affirmed she was here, she was apart of our family and she still very much is. We found the Sands New Zealand Facebook page and as sad as it is reading other people's stories, it brought us comfort in knowing we weren't alone in this nightmare.
When you lose a baby you don't realise the gravity it has on everyone around you. The friends, the siblings, the family, the grandparents. It's not just your loss.
But little by little it does get easier. You don't get through it, you don't get past it, you kind of just learn to carry it through your life. It's always there and just becomes part of who you are.
We decided that we would celebrate Brylee's birthday every year with a cake or something planting a blossom tree and we do.
In that grieving and in that darkness you have to fight to find the light, it's really, really hard and some days you don't and that's OK.
It's OK to feel like your world has come crashing down because it has.
But you can't stay there you have to pick yourself up and dust yourself off and really lean on the people around you.
BRYLEE-ROSE GECK 16-10-2019
Too beautiful for this world
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